Yea, thought that would get your attention!
Seriously though, during today's full moon I joined in on this beautiful meditation and once again discovered something about my expression of love...
Such a complex subject matter or is it? Or is it just so simple, so easy, no explanation necessary. Do you have to learn it or do you just feel it? And which one comes first? Is there truly more than one kind of love? Or is it just love; for your parents, for your spouse, for your kids, for your animal companions, for friends, for the world, for life, for God!
Regardless, I've lived my life always with the idea that I had to EARN love. Love isn't something anyone feels for me unless I have given them a reason...kinda just like earning God's love.
As a child it was engrained in me that I was a sinner, born of sin and that the only way to "heaven" was through penance. God, way up above me in the sky, un-reachable....I needed to prove that I deserved love, that I was worthy.
If I do this, don't do that, if I act this way not that way, if I say this or think that...then I may qualify for love. But definitely not without those conditions being met.
So it goes years later a lot more grown up then those times life happens, experiences occur and once again I'm a sinner.
Always feeling that I am not worthy of more....that I am getting exactly what I deserve....
More money? Oh no you don't have a job worthy of more money. More health? Why, your not taking care of yourself according to this..... More happiness? You will need to sacrifice and suffer lots more first. More love? No, you didn't get to church on Sunday.
Well then, if I can't have God's love, the creator of all life, why would I think another human could love me for me, without having to do something to earn their love. (parents, friends, lovers)
Ironically enough I was getting exactly what I was giving, my own lack of love for myself (God within).
Recently someone said to me to remember that I COUNT!
Another year upon me now, damn it's taken me a really long time to get here, here where I no longer have to be afraid that I haven't earned someones love, that I won't be loved for just being exactly who I am, including all that I've said or done or thought, that everything about me is worthy and does matter. Because......
God & I are one, thus I AM, whole and complete and LOVE.