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March 1, 2019

 

Sometimes I find myself feeling really overwhelmed.

Sometimes it's this sinking feeling that this moment, that I find so completely precious is only that, a moment, and then sadness and fear sets in that I won't get to feel this way again.  I am so grateful for that moment and how incredible it is and then like a rope something pulls me back and says nope, I don't get to keep that. 

 

This new journey, this leap, this crazy idea to leave everything that was safe and take a risk hasn't been easy but it has given me so much more than I ever imagined I would be or do or have in my life. It is absolutely unbelievably frightening and I completely understand why most people do not attempt the unknown. Yet now that I have tasted this freedom, I don't ever want to go back to anything that I was or did or knew...

 

And there in lies the conundrum....

 

I'm feeling like I am traveling backwards a bit and that maybe I have failed a little since I may have to do something like what I used to...but honestly some things haven't exactly turned out as I would like at this point and therefore I have had to rethink and tweak a few ideas moving forward. 

 

It's disappointing but it's not the end and I will continue to travel down this road until I have successfully mastered my dreams.

I'm absolutely a new version of myself but still having this human experience....

 

FREE is the greatest part I have been enjoying so far! Freedom to be where I want, when I want. This freedom of choice, freedom from the "9-5." Freedom of self expression in whatever form I find appealing. Freedom of alone or connecting with others. Freedom to walk in the sunshine without a coat in February! Freedom of judgment, freedom to attend services at Upaya, and the Ashram and the Basilica. Freedom to wear my winter dress boats today or hiking boots. Freedom to go to this coffee shop or grocery store today and then maybe a different one tomorrow. But mostly the freedom that I feel in my soul! 

 

And so far I have been blessed with the resources to enjoy this freedom.  

 

So it's the resources that I now need to replenish and I'm so afraid of losing some of my freedoms, that joy, in order to do this! 

 

Not sure exactly what is happening next but I'm going to really be in it, in every moment that I get to be FREE. And I'm going to soak in the freedom and thank God for every second of it because this FREEDOM has been the most powerful moments of my life, so far! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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